Ricky Tomlinson Stand Up Review

This is a review I wrote at the beginning of 2010.

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Tomlinson & his holey top

Imagine the funniest thing that has ever happened to you, and when I say funny I mean, tears, buckets of tears. The type of laugher that you want it to stop because it starts to hurt; you clutch your sides and try to adopt the slow breathing technique to calm yourself down.  When you finally stop it’s a huge relief but such a good feeling, the best feeling.

Ricky Tomlinson. Comedy Stand-Up Live. Oxford, 19^th March 2010 was NOTHING like that. Let’s take the ‘comedy’ out of the previous sentence. Picture this, a fat greasy grey haired old bloke with an inside-out vest top with three holes in it, bingo wings galore and even worse when he’d itch his belly through the vest hole.

Now imagine a second thing for me. Imagine a particular person; we ALL know someone like this, the person that attempts to contribute to group jokes yet fails miserably. The ones that tell one long winded story, name dropping along the way, you’re looking at your friends, raising eyebrows, waiting, waiting for them to reach the end, and finally after too much anticipation you think ‘Well this better be good, I better get a laugh’, instead you’re disappointed. Eyes roll, sympathetic smiles are exchanged the crowds disperse. Imagine this, but with THREE people in an hour and a half (oh and not forgetting the singing) – and people question why we left in the interval!

Three men: Number one, mentioned already, fat, greasy, dirty, no more need be said – Number Two, fat, wearing a over bright over spangly gold jacket, wannabe Elvis, with a stomach that closely resembles a stuffed turkey – Number Three – less fat, wearing a suit, appearance slightly better, however I’ve seen more facial expressions on a potato. You may ask why my family paid for this – after seeing The Royle Family we assumed the bloke known for his catchphrase ‘MY ARRSEEE’ would be funny, I mean who wouldn’t assume we’d have a good night out.

Second row, my Dad’s shoulder was looking more and more comfy as the show went on, my eyes started to drop and my mind drifted off into wondering what it would be like watching a real comedian, how about a bit of McIntyre, Boyle, Carr or O’Brien. Actually, my Dad could’ve done a better job and that’s saying something! When bloke number three (their names, I couldn’t tell you if I tried) began to sing Mack The Knife nostalgia set in of far away past times of my Dad singing karaoke. It was as embarrassing back then as it would be now, so I’m very shocked in admitting that I’d have happily clapped, screamed and hollered my Dad onto the stage to grab the mic and sing his heart out, and actually enjoy it.

“I said, he said, I said, he said, punch line” – after about five minutes I couldn’t care less what he said, she said, anyone said. And then referring to speaking to his Dad and Grandad – let’s bear in mind bloke three looked about 70 with a balding grey head and Botox of regular use to him. If his Grandad was still alive he’d probably be about 120, surely the OLDEST MAN ON EARTH?! Wow now that’s a claim to fame! Throw in some jokes about bloke two (about 60) talking about sex, grabbing his groin and making facial expressions that resembled someone trying to gurn. Oh now that’s a fat disgusting accident waiting to happen – shall we just lock them both in a sound proof room and chuck away the key?

How did we get through it you may ask? Well after waiting for punch lines that never came, cringing at the atrocious and somewhat disgusting sexual comments (yes, sexual comments made by old fat men, and my brother and step brother sat next to me, not knowing what the hell was going on) no wonder we made a break for it. Although not before the five of us exchanged glances between us, my Dad laughing loudly and very sarcastically while making comments such as ‘This is f*****g terrible, oh myyyy goddd” (oh and that wasn’t quiet either)

At one point I was so bored I got transfixed by watching my Dad shuffle the tickets in his hands, I had more interest in pieces of paper than I did with an actual human being (if that’s what you’d call them) However, we can’t leave out the best part of the night, a part that was truly comedy gold that only my Dad noticed:

My step-mum (the one that booked the tickets, nah we won’t hold it against her) attempted to lean towards my Dad and hold his hand, however this dramatically failed as she got her arm wedged between the seats, ended up head butting my Dad and trying to prise her arm from the seat, without making a scene. I felt the ricochet of her movement across the seats and simply assumed she was having a tantrum, the type children have when they don’t like something and they slump their bodies down and stamp their feet (well it might’ve been a bit of that as well) Oh and yes she did finally get her arm back, luckily otherwise we’d be stuck there all night.

Let’s just say, the interval could’ve come sooner. While listening to bloke three sing ‘That’s Life’ I tried to imagine Michael Buble singing it in my head, now that I’d have paid to see. Tomlinson came back on in his dirty attire walked off stage muttering ‘Interval, back in 20 minutes’, lack of enthusiasm from him means lack of enthusiasm from us so we legged it. Obviously in a graceful fashion, us leaving with our dignity and wearing clothes with no holes, him going back to bore more people with his endless stories with no real joke or conclusion. Oh there were some people that laughed, one woman in particular directly behind us, screeching and cackling – we reckon she was paid. Wouldn’t surprise me at all!

So all in all, the worst thing we’ve ever been to, well it must’ve been seeing as the highlight was an arm getting stuck between some chairs, shuffling tickets and our exit. I think Tomlinson and his fat old partners need to re-think their profession, maybe go back to working somewhere where wearing a stained dirty holed vest would mean you’d fit in.

Oh one final thing – I’d highly advise you to NEVER see Ricky Tomlinson Stand-Up EVER. And I mean this as you would not want to waste any part of your life, I can’t get that hour and a half of my life back, but there’s hope for the rest of you.  The ONLY time where it would be advisable would be if you’re suffering from insomnia, doctor’s orders. 

Remember Me - Film Review

We all know Robert Pattinson (main star of the film); some may refer to him as R.Patz. Oh no, yet another abbreviation the media like to give certain celebs.  Don’t even get me started on Jedward.

‘Remember Me’, an appropriate title as I won’t be forgetting the film in a hurry – for good reasons! The best film I’ve seen this year, okay so I’ve only watched three – and although Alice in Wonderland was amazing, the storyline was already known, blonde haired girl falls down a hole, follows a white rabbit and meets a mad hatter (or Johnny Depp to the rest of us), so I already knew it would be good – however this film with good ol’ R.Patz (oh no I’m doing it now – we’ll refer to him as Robert) I didn’t think would be good or bad, I had no idea, the trailer looked good so I thought, why not, let’s hope it’s a good un’. Oh and it didn’t fail to impress.

When I see Robert in the Twilight series I think, ‘Yes, he plays a good character’ ... HOWEVER, when I see him in a film such as this one, and the diverse and in depth character he plays I think ‘You’re so much better than Twilight’, okay so he might not think that, he probably loves playing a very white sparkly vampire (I wouldn’t turn him down) but Remember Me shows an actor that can capture the hearts of the audience and make them cry. In a good way. Yes I cried, but shh, it’ll ruin my reputation ;) Oh and don’t get me wrong, I’m not dissing Twilight saying he can’t capture the hearts (oh no, I bet I’ve offended the Edward fans now) I’m simply stating that for me, he did it 10 times better in this film than any of his others – although I think I cried when he died in Harry Potter (again, TELL NO ONE)

The reason for my crying in this recent film, the ending which I shall not give away – I ain’t no spoiler – the ending was such a shock, it’s not hard to understand or too deep or anything – everyone would understand what was happening, but the main reason is there were no clear clues to the ending. You know those films – the ones where it’s REALLY obvious what’s going to happen, even by a trailer you think, oh those two will end up together living happily ever after. Some of those are good, but this was different, I gasped when I found out what was happening, when it clicked! This film focused on the lives of Taylor Hawkins (Robert Pattinson) & Ally Craig (Emilie de Ravin) who fall madly in love (it’s quite lovely really) but nothing’s perfect and things go wrong. Well like any relationship. The audience will smile at their cute little romantic gestures, baking her a cake, having a water fight in the kitchen & making her kiss him – it’s the kinda stuff that pulls on your heart strings and makes you want something like that. Their relationship goes up and down, as does their relationships with their family and friends – and then, nearing the end, everything seems lovely and perfect like nothing can go wrong, and that’s when the sweet violin type music starts playing – the type where you think ‘Oh no something is going to go wrong’, what, we have no clue, we’re only told about one second before...

But that’s all I can say, if you haven’t seen it, you’ll just have to, to find out what happens. If you have seen it then you know what happens, and will probably be nodding along thinking, ‘YES I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS, I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT EITHER’... unless you’re some kind of scary psychic or just VERY good at guessing what happens in films! Oh just to warn you, it’s not technically a happy ending, well in some ways it is, it has a good moral to the story – with the tagline to the film being ‘Live in the Moments’ – which I fully live by.

All in all, Robert Pattinson and Emilie de Ravin capture the love of two young New Yorkers who aren’t looking for love it just kinda happens. I KNOW it’s only a story, but stories are good, I’m rather looking forward to meeting my Robert (well he might not be very good at the romantic stuff in real life)

 I honestly think everyone should go see it, well when I say everyone, not those ANNOYING people that complain about romance and anything Robert Pattinson is involved in – you lot can piss off ... the other people, the COOL people that have open minds and don’t always love a chick flick happy ending. Oh and agree with the quote:

“Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it, because nobody else will’

Now if you say ‘YES’ and nod along with this quote – watch the film.

If you’re not in the above group, just don’t even bother alright ;)

Well it must’ve been good; I shed a tear and I’m still thinking about it a day later. Oh and taking my Mum to see it in a few weeks, yes to watch it again – well it must’ve been bloody good if I’m paying to see it twice ;)